My Champion

I had no idea when I first got the idea to do this blog late last summer, that this year was going to be as much of a roller coaster as its been. In my naive "everything goes relatively okay for me" way of looking at things, I was going to write a list of things I wanted to do, some frivolous and some with a lot deeper meaning, and I was going to do everything on the list. And that life as I knew it would be life as I knew it, with maybe a few list driven twists.

Instead, there have been a heck of a lot of ups and downs. And by ups and downs I mean mostly downs. I've taken a lot of deep breaths, re-adjusted the plan and forged ahead.

One of the "downs" has been weighing on my mind a lot, for quite awhile. Probably because there isn't anything I can adjust or do to make it better. It is what it is. And its really tough for me to wrap my head around. My 90-almost-91-year-old biggest fan, my grandma, is starting to fail. Among other things, she's having some memory issues and is beginning to have difficulties caring for herself without a lot of assistance, which is a big change for her.

Most people who know me even in the slightest know how awesome I think my grandma is. And I have so many reasons why I think that.

Grandma, know to other humans as Vera, was a young and fun 51 years old when I randomly appeared in the family via private adoption. Legend has it that she essentially (somewhat accidentally) started the ball rolling on the matchmaking process between my birthmother, her doctor and my adoptive parents in the two weeks leading up to my birth. I was the second grandchild and the first girl. From my earliest memories, she has always been my champion, excited and happy to spend time with me. She's delighted in my accomplishments, no matter how small, and has encouraged me endlessly when I haven't been sure I could do something.

There is an affectionate eye roll I get from my other cousins when Grandma (or anyone else for that matter) tries to suggest that she doesn't have a favourite. I know she loves all of her 8 grandkids very much - but she and I have always had a really strong connection. She always seemed to get me, and saw things in me I couldn't even see yet. She made me feel like I was extra-special and still does. I think everyone needs that in their life.

When I was seven or eight, she gave me an old typewriter she had. For those of you in the under 30 crowd, it's what people used before computers came along to write correspondence, or in my case, short stories, commercials for my tape recorder radio show, newspaper stories for my imaginary newspaper and poems. I had always liked making up stories, fictional or otherwise, but this typewriter put my love for writing in a whole new realm. I would sit for hours, clacking away at the keys, dreaming up character, expressing my feelings and writing dozens of first-pages of what would (never) be the greatest novel ever. Whenever she saw me, she'd ask to see what I had written. I often hid my written ramblings from other people, embarrassed and unsure of what they'd think. But I always showed her. And she always loved every word. I really think she helped me see the value in this love of writing I had/have, and she helped me gain confidence in the talent that I had. I've always felt safe with her.

Being the adopted kid in the family, while I felt completely accepted as one of the gang, I didn't look like anyone, which sometimes made me feel awkward. On more than one occasion, throughout my childhood and well into my adult years, I'd be out with my grandma and we'd inevitably run into one of her many friends or acquaintances in her community. She'd proudly introduce me as her granddaughter and sometimes her friends would comment how much we looked alike. Without missing a beat, she'd wink at me, agree with them and would say something about the good-looking family genes.

When we were kids, she was the cool grandma. She'd go on the bumper boats at Ontario Place with me and would take me for picnics. She'd have me for sleepovers and take me to see grown-up plays at the Royal Alex. Grandma talked to me about current events from politics to religion to the news and helped me how to critically think about issues in the world while respecting other peoples beliefs and values. As we got older and the Internet came along, she learned how to use it to better stay in touch with her grandkids. She even coordinated a Sunday brunch with most of the adult grandkids, using MSN Messenger. No phones required.

When I decided to move across the country to Calgary and everyone I knew thought I was crazy, she was in my corner. She wasn't naive about the challenges I might face - she herself had flown from England to Canada two years after World War II ended to reunite with my Canadian grandfather who had mailed her an engagement ring. He had been in England briefly as part of the Canadian Firefighters Brigade and they had met and fallen in love. She knew that taking a chance like that can be life-changing and it could pay-off. It had for her. And as it turns out, it really did for me.

My graduation message from Grandma

Grandma has always made me feel okay with who I am - no easy feat when you are the awkward, shy smart kid She has always had an unwavering confidence in my decisions and has never hesitated to express how proud she is of me. She has always encouraged me to be brave, try knew things and appreciate what I have to offer the world. She is quick to promote me and my accomplishments to anyone who will listen (I think her entire retirement village and possibly half of Etobicoke knows about the kidney thing).

It's hard for me to imagine a world that she's no longer in. I get it, she's old and she's had a long, pretty good life. She's not going to be with us forever (in person anyway), and as the recent months have shown us, she is going to face challenges as she enters the "end of life" stage (as my mother calls it). While I can accept on some levels that that's the way life goes, it's scary to think about losing her.

I know I'm lucky. A lot of people don't have their grandparents around as long as I have (hello! I'm almost 40!). Many people don't get to have the relationships with their grandparents I've been able to have with her. She knows how I feel about her, and the impact and influence she's had on who I am. And I will continue to tell her for as long as I can what she means to me.